Dear President Trump,
Here’s a way to restart government, all on your own, without:
A) declaring a national emergency (You know there is none and that your own Supremes will smack you down in a New York minute on that one.)
B) giving into the Democrats — the people you once loved, but now despise because they don’t want to waste money helping you get re-elected.
C) restarting government and incurring the wrath of your daddies — Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.
Let me explain. The government is shut down. But Congress has passed and you have said you will sign a bill to pay furloughed government workers their back pay. So, duh, lend them their back pay. This will end their pain due to being cash constrained, i.e., not having enough cash on hand to pay their bills till you reach your senses. And, for every dollar you lend to worker X, announce to worker X that you’ll be using a dollar of her back pay to repay the loan. So this won’t increase the deficit one iota.
Next, ask the workers to please voluntarily come back to work. But give them an extra incentive. Tell the furloughed workers that if they don’t voluntarily return to work they won’t get the loans.
Voila! You can claim A) You, not Nasty Nancy and Churlish Chuck, have saved the day, B) This isn’t costing the government a penny, C) You didn’t cave, D) Mexico will pay for the wall, and E) You didn’t reopen the government. Instead, the government reopened itself.
Yes, D isn’t true, but, as you know, truth is in the ears of the beholders.
But you say, “I need money for the wall.”
Who told you that? Steven Miller? What a dope.Of course you don’t need money for the wall. And if you don’t need money for the wall, you can claim Mexico paid nothing, which was precisely its price. So Mexico will have paid for the wall!
How to build the wall with no money?
OMG, this is so simple. Look at all the houses Jimmy Carter built with no money. You can do the same. Just set a date for all your supporters to meet you at the border with wood, hammers, 30-foot polls, nails, ladders, and shovels. Get Ann, Rush, and Stevey to join you. Surely you can get three million of your followers to come down for a week to build The People’s Wall.
You might even get Mexicans to help. Thanks to you, lots of Mexicans now hate our guts and would love to wall us in.
If they come, make them welcome. What better 2020 campaign slogan is there than, “I made Mexicans build the wall.”
Now do us a favor and get back to doing what you do best — playing golf.